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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for.  Try having sausage and chips for tea.

Lucky Note: Crotchet

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate.  Try having shepherd's pie for brunch.

Lucky Bird: European Penduline Tit

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying.  Try having steak tartare for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Philosopher: Heidegger

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Don't do that, you'll go blind.  Try having lobster thermidor for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Philosopher: Kierkegaard

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella.  Try having haggis for afternoon tea.

Lucky Fish: Michael

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.  Try having tomato soup for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Bone: Patella

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

People who live in glass houses shouldn't... you know.  Try having shepherd's pie for afternoon tea.

Lucky Architecture: Regency

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

The end of the world is nigh, so don't bother shaving.  Try having meat and potato pie for dinner.

Lucky Dog: Shih Tzu

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

You will be abducted by aliens who will offer you tea and biscuits in exchange for your spleen.  Try having vegetable soup for breakfast.

Lucky Organ: Thymus

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

You will discover the meaning of life, but lose the napkin on which you wrote it down.  Try having sausage, egg and chips for brunch.

Lucky Bird: Yellow-bellied Waxbill

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

You will wake up to find that you have metamorphosed into a giant cockroach.  Try having cauliflower cheese for lunch.

Lucky Composer: Bartok

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Especially when he needs money.  Try having oxtail soup for supper.

Lucky Period: Carboniferous