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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. However, you will miss out on a lot of fun.  Try having vegetable soup for supper.

Lucky Architecture: Elizabethan

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

He who laughs last has the last laugh.  Try having roast beef and Yorkshire puddings for a snack between meals.

Lucky Composer: Handel

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

It's better to give than to receive. Except perhaps syphilis.  Try having kippers for supper.

Lucky Philosopher: Kant

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Remember that a bad workman always blames his tools. And a bad Gigolo just blames his tool.  Try having roast duck for a snack between meals.

Lucky Poet: McGonagall

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Two heads are better than one. Especially if you're looking for a job in the circus.  Try having curry for supper.

Lucky Epoch: Paleocene

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

You will be excited by a small lump of cheese today.  Try having cheese on toast for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Philosopher: Rabelais

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

You will read some words printed on paper.  Try having curry for brunch.

Lucky Note: Semiquaver

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early.  Try having gammon and pineapple for lunch.

Lucky Composer: Tchaikovsky

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum.  Try having cheese on toast for lunch.

Lucky Mollusc: Winkle

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day.  Try having egg and chips for supper.

Lucky Composer: Bach

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.  Try having curry for a snack between meals.

Lucky Architecture: Byzantine

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Eat some food for dinner today.  Try having pork pies for afternoon tea.

Lucky Cloud: Contrail