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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime.  Try having an ice-cream for a late evening snack.

Lucky Column: Doric

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn.  Try having steak and kidney pudding for a late evening snack.

Lucky Fish: Giant Gourami

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow.  Try having suckling pig for a late evening snack.

Lucky Column: Ionic

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for.  Try having spam for lunch.

Lucky Artist: M.C. Escher

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate.  Try having pizza for supper.

Lucky Cloud: Nimbostratus

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying.  Try having egg and chips for lunch.

Lucky Architecture: Postmodern

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

Don't do that, you'll go blind.  Try having peanut buttter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast.

Lucky Composer: Saint-SaŽns

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella.  Try having cauliflower cheese for afternoon tea.

Lucky Cheese: Stilton

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.  Try having an ice-cream for elevenses.

Lucky Architecture: Victorian

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

People who live in glass houses shouldn't... you know.  Try having jellied eels for supper.

Lucky Philosopher: Archimedes

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

The end of the world is nigh, so don't bother shaving.  Try having roast beef and Yorkshire puddings for breakfast.

Lucky Organ: Brain

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

You will be abducted by aliens who will offer you tea and biscuits in exchange for your spleen.  Try having toad-in-the-hole for lunch.

Lucky Dog: Cockapoo