Aries 21st March - 19th April
He who laughs last has the last laugh. Try having curry for elevenses.
Lucky Cloud: Cumulonimbus
Taurus 20th April - 21st May
It's better to give than to receive. Except perhaps syphilis. Try having sausage, egg and chips for lunch.
Lucky Bird: European Shag
Gemini 22nd May - 21st June
Remember that a bad workman always blames his tools. And a bad Gigolo just blames his tool. Try having spam for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Author: Heinlein
Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July
Two heads are better than one. Especially if you're looking for a job in the circus. Try having pizza for a light snack.
Lucky Bird: King Shag
Leo 24th July - 23rd August
You will be excited by a small lump of cheese today. Try having steak and chips for dinner.
Lucky Stone: Mick Jagger
Virgo 24th August - 23rd September
You will read some words printed on paper. Try having roast duck for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Bone: Pelvis
Libra 24th September - 23rd October
Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early. Try having a hamburger for afternoon tea.
Lucky Artist: Rembrandt
Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November
A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum. Try having sausage and chips for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Composer: Shostakovich
Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December
As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day. Try having meat and potato pie for afternoon tea.
Lucky Organ: Thyroid
Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January
Don't believe everything you read on the Internet. Try having a vindaloo for dinner.
Lucky Day: Yesterday
Aquarius 21st January - 19th February
Eat some food for dinner today. Try having roast duck for a snack between meals.
Lucky Architecture: Bauhaus
Pisces 20th February - 20th March
Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs. Try having a Cornish pasty for breakfast.
Lucky Bones: Carpals