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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

He who laughs last has the last laugh.  Try having curry for elevenses.

Lucky Cloud: Cumulonimbus

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

It's better to give than to receive. Except perhaps syphilis.  Try having sausage, egg and chips for lunch.

Lucky Bird: European Shag

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

Remember that a bad workman always blames his tools. And a bad Gigolo just blames his tool.  Try having spam for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Author: Heinlein

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Two heads are better than one. Especially if you're looking for a job in the circus.  Try having pizza for a light snack.

Lucky Bird: King Shag

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

You will be excited by a small lump of cheese today.  Try having steak and chips for dinner.

Lucky Stone: Mick Jagger

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

You will read some words printed on paper.  Try having roast duck for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Bone: Pelvis

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early.  Try having a hamburger for afternoon tea.

Lucky Artist: Rembrandt

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum.  Try having sausage and chips for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Composer: Shostakovich

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day.  Try having meat and potato pie for afternoon tea.

Lucky Organ: Thyroid

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.  Try having a vindaloo for dinner.

Lucky Day: Yesterday

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Eat some food for dinner today.  Try having roast duck for a snack between meals.

Lucky Architecture: Bauhaus

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs.  Try having a Cornish pasty for breakfast.

Lucky Bones: Carpals