Aries 21st March - 19th April
Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early. Try having a vindaloo for a mid-morning snack.
Lucky Mollusc: Winkle
Taurus 20th April - 21st May
A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum. Try having stew and dumplings for a mid-morning snack.
Lucky Composer: Bach
Gemini 22nd May - 21st June
As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day. Try having hotdogs for elevenses.
Lucky Architecture: Byzantine
Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July
Don't believe everything you read on the Internet. Try having a beefburger for a late evening snack.
Lucky Cloud: Contrail
Leo 24th July - 23rd August
Eat some food for dinner today. Try having steak and kidney pudding for elevenses.
Lucky Tower: Eiffel
Virgo 24th August - 23rd September
Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs. Try having Lancashire hotpot for dinner.
Lucky Cheese: Gruyère
Libra 24th September - 23rd October
It's no use crying over spilt milk, that'll just water it down Try having sausage, egg and chips for breakfast.
Lucky Philosopher: Jung
Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November
That 'silent but deadly' you let go this morning will fortuitously avert an alien invasion. Try having peanut buttter and jelly sandwiches for afternoon tea.
Lucky Bird: Masked Booby
Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December
Two's company; three's a crowd; four's an orgy. Try having tuna mayonnaise for elevenses.
Lucky Organ: Ovaries
Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January
You will catch bird flu after sharing a cup of tea with your pet emu. Try having a bacon sandwich for lunch.
Lucky Note: Quaver
Aquarius 21st January - 19th February
You will say hello to someone with hair. Try having sausage and chips for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Note: Semibreve
Pisces 20th February - 20th March
Your spaceship will crash on an Earth type planet ruled by English speaking chimpazees, gorillas and orang utans. Try having jellied eels for lunch.
Lucky Empire: Sunderland