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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Every hair on your body will fall out. However, you will be offered the lead role in 'Kojak - The Musical'.  Try having jellied eels for afternoon tea.

Lucky Stone: Ronnie Wood

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up.  Try having meat and potato pie for brunch.

Lucky Poet: Spenser

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

It's the early bird that gets the worm. The dead bird just gets worms.  Try having a hamburger for supper.

Lucky Dog: Treeing Walker Coonhound

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

That person you fancy at work is actually a cannibal. Cancel the dinner date.  Try having jellied eels for lunch.

Lucky Musical Mode: Aeolian

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime.  Try having cucumber sandwiches for dinner.

Lucky Bird: Black Noddy

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn.  Try having beans on toast for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Cake: Christmas

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow.  Try having Lancashire hotpot for breakfast.

Lucky Cheese: Danish Blue

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for.  Try having bangers and mash for elevenses.

Lucky Cheese: Feta

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate.  Try having a pint of beer for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Philosopher: Hobbes

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying.  Try having peanut buttter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast.

Lucky Poet: Larkin

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Don't do that, you'll go blind.  Try having steak tartare for breakfast.

Lucky Artist: Monet

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella.  Try having steak and chips for elevenses.

Lucky Artist: Picasso