Aries 21st March - 19th April
Every hair on your body will fall out. However, you will be offered the lead role in 'Kojak - The Musical'. Try having jellied eels for afternoon tea.
Lucky Stone: Ronnie Wood
Taurus 20th April - 21st May
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. Try having meat and potato pie for brunch.
Lucky Poet: Spenser
Gemini 22nd May - 21st June
It's the early bird that gets the worm. The dead bird just gets worms. Try having a hamburger for supper.
Lucky Dog: Treeing Walker Coonhound
Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July
That person you fancy at work is actually a cannibal. Cancel the dinner date. Try having jellied eels for lunch.
Lucky Musical Mode: Aeolian
Leo 24th July - 23rd August
You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime. Try having cucumber sandwiches for dinner.
Lucky Bird: Black Noddy
Virgo 24th August - 23rd September
You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn. Try having beans on toast for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Cake: Christmas
Libra 24th September - 23rd October
You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow. Try having Lancashire hotpot for breakfast.
Lucky Cheese: Danish Blue
Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for. Try having bangers and mash for elevenses.
Lucky Cheese: Feta
Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December
According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate. Try having a pint of beer for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Philosopher: Hobbes
Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January
Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying. Try having peanut buttter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast.
Lucky Poet: Larkin
Aquarius 21st January - 19th February
Don't do that, you'll go blind. Try having steak tartare for breakfast.
Lucky Artist: Monet
Pisces 20th February - 20th March
Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella. Try having steak and chips for elevenses.
Lucky Artist: Picasso