Aries 21st March - 19th April
Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early. Try having a bacon sandwich for lunch.
Lucky Bone: Scapula
Taurus 20th April - 21st May
A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum. Try having a bacon sandwich for brunch.
Lucky Cloud: Stratus
Gemini 22nd May - 21st June
As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day. Try having meat and potato pie for a light snack.
Lucky Fish: Walking Catfish
Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July
Don't believe everything you read on the Internet. Try having a cheeseburger for dinner.
Lucky Author: Asimov
Leo 24th July - 23rd August
Eat some food for dinner today. Try having bacon and eggs for brunch.
Lucky Author: Brontes
Virgo 24th August - 23rd September
Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs. Try having cauliflower cheese for a late evening snack.
Lucky Hairstyle: Comb over
Libra 24th September - 23rd October
It's no use crying over spilt milk, that'll just water it down Try having meat and potato pie for afternoon tea.
Lucky Day: Doris
Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November
That 'silent but deadly' you let go this morning will fortuitously avert an alien invasion. Try having chicken tikka masala for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Poet: Ginsberg
Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December
Two's company; three's a crowd; four's an orgy. Try having cheese on toast for a mid-morning snack.
Lucky Author: J. D. Salinger
Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January
You will catch bird flu after sharing a cup of tea with your pet emu. Try having oxtail soup for afternoon tea.
Lucky Philosopher: Machiavelli
Aquarius 21st January - 19th February
You will say hello to someone with hair. Try having toast for supper.
Lucky Architecture: Norman
Pisces 20th February - 20th March
Your spaceship will crash on an Earth type planet ruled by English speaking chimpazees, gorillas and orang utans. Try having fish and chips for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Composer: Prokofiev