Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

You will say hello to someone with hair.  Try having tuna mayonnaise for tea.

Lucky Author: Austen

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

Your spaceship will crash on an Earth type planet ruled by English speaking chimpazees, gorillas and orang utans.  Try having jelly for dinner.

Lucky Artist: Brueghel

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

A watched pot never boils. Smoke it instead.  Try having sausage and chips for lunch.

Lucky Bird: Common Loon

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore you are extremely beautiful to Stevie Wonder.  Try having oxtail soup for breakfast.

Lucky Artist: Duchamp

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Don't count your chickens before they're hatched. They might be baby crocodiles.  Try having oxtail soup for a snack between meals.

Lucky Facial Hair: Goatee

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

Every hair on your body will fall out. However, you will be offered the lead role in 'Kojak - The Musical'.  Try having toast for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Bird: Jackass Penguin

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up.  Try having bangers and mash for a snack between meals.

Lucky Fish: Mahi-Mahi

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

It's the early bird that gets the worm. The dead bird just gets worms.  Try having a doner kebab for dinner.

Lucky Epoch: Oligocene

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

That person you fancy at work is actually a cannibal. Cancel the dinner date.  Try having steak and kidney pudding for a snack between meals.

Lucky Author: Proust

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime.  Try having shepherd's pie for supper.

Lucky Bird: Scaly Thrush

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn.  Try having Lancashire hotpot for elevenses.

Lucky Cloud: Stratocumulus

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow.  Try having kippers for supper.

Lucky Composer: Wagner