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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Recall that a fool and his money are soon parted. Send your donations to me.  Try having pizza for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Poet: Pushkin

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Try using about one and a half.  Try having a doner kebab for lunch.

Lucky Philosopher: Schopenhauer

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

You will be encumbered by a cumbersome cucumber.  Try having lasagne for brunch.

Lucky Composer: Strauss

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

You will drink a cup of tea or coffee today. Or maybe a glass of water.  Try having tripe and onions for a light snack.

Lucky Bird: Wandering Whistling Duck

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Your bad breath will cause the extinction of a rare species of woodlouse.  Try having jellied eels for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Empire: Assyrian

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

A long lost tribe will be discovered in the Amazon who have been worshipping you as a god for several generations.  Try having a pint of beer for elevenses.

Lucky Bird: Brown Booby

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

Apparently his bark is worse than his bite.  Try having ten pints of lager for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Punctuation: Comma

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

Birds of a feather flock together. They also fart together, but that seldom makes the news.  Try having roast lamb for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Author: Dostoyevsky

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. However, you will miss out on a lot of fun.  Try having kippers for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Empire: Glasgow

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

He who laughs last has the last laugh.  Try having cottage pie for a light snack.

Lucky Author: J. M. Barrie

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

It's better to give than to receive. Except perhaps syphilis.  Try having meat and potato pie for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Artist: Magritte

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Remember that a bad workman always blames his tools. And a bad Gigolo just blames his tool.  Try having a Cornish pasty for brunch.

Lucky Organ: Oesophagus