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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early.  Try having jellied eels for a late evening snack.

Lucky Mollusc: Winkle

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum.  Try having tripe and onions for lunch.

Lucky Composer: Bach

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day.  Try having bubble and squeak for dinner.

Lucky Architecture: Byzantine

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.  Try having a doner kebab for elevenses.

Lucky Cloud: Contrail

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Eat some food for dinner today.  Try having a bacon sandwich for breakfast.

Lucky Tower: Eiffel

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs.  Try having tuna mayonnaise for lunch.

Lucky Cheese: Gruyère

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

It's no use crying over spilt milk, that'll just water it down  Try having meat and potato pie for a light snack.

Lucky Philosopher: Jung

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

That 'silent but deadly' you let go this morning will fortuitously avert an alien invasion.  Try having gammon and pineapple for elevenses.

Lucky Bird: Masked Booby

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

Two's company; three's a crowd; four's an orgy.  Try having a vindaloo for supper.

Lucky Organ: Ovaries

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

You will catch bird flu after sharing a cup of tea with your pet emu.  Try having truffles for a snack between meals.

Lucky Note: Quaver

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

You will say hello to someone with hair.  Try having a cheeseburger for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Note: Semibreve

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Your spaceship will crash on an Earth type planet ruled by English speaking chimpazees, gorillas and orang utans.  Try having sausage and chips for afternoon tea.

Lucky Empire: Sunderland