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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.  Try having suckling pig for a light snack.

Lucky Cheese: Edam

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

Eat some food for dinner today.  Try having tripe and onions for dinner.

Lucky Bird: Great Tit

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs.  Try having a bacon sandwich for supper.

Lucky Stone: Joss

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

It's no use crying over spilt milk, that'll just water it down  Try having bacon and eggs for elevenses.

Lucky Author: Mann

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

That 'silent but deadly' you let go this morning will fortuitously avert an alien invasion.  Try having bacon and eggs for dinner.

Lucky Composer: Orff

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

Two's company; three's a crowd; four's an orgy.  Try having a Cornish pasty for elevenses.

Lucky Note: Quasihemidemisemiquaver

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

You will catch bird flu after sharing a cup of tea with your pet emu.  Try having jelly for supper.

Lucky Fish: Scrod

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

You will say hello to someone with hair.  Try having jellied eels for dinner.

Lucky Facial Hair: Stubble

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

Your spaceship will crash on an Earth type planet ruled by English speaking chimpazees, gorillas and orang utans.  Try having a vindaloo for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Cheese: Wensleydale

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

A watched pot never boils. Smoke it instead.  Try having steak tartare for a snack between meals.

Lucky Empire: Austro-Hungarian

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore you are extremely beautiful to Stevie Wonder.  Try having hotdogs for a light snack.

Lucky Author: Burroughs

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Don't count your chickens before they're hatched. They might be baby crocodiles.  Try having cheese on toast for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Author: Conan Doyle