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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime.  Try having roast lamb for brunch.

Lucky Column: Doric

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn.  Try having beans on toast for breakfast.

Lucky Fish: Giant Gourami

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow.  Try having an ice-cream for a late evening snack.

Lucky Column: Ionic

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for.  Try having truffles for a snack between meals.

Lucky Artist: M.C. Escher

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate.  Try having truffles for a snack between meals.

Lucky Cloud: Nimbostratus

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying.  Try having tomato soup for lunch.

Lucky Architecture: Postmodern

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

Don't do that, you'll go blind.  Try having cauliflower cheese for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Composer: Saint-SaŽns

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella.  Try having Welsh rarebit for dinner.

Lucky Cheese: Stilton

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.  Try having pork chops for dinner.

Lucky Architecture: Victorian

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

People who live in glass houses shouldn't... you know.  Try having a beefburger for breakfast.

Lucky Philosopher: Archimedes

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

The end of the world is nigh, so don't bother shaving.  Try having meat and potato pie for brunch.

Lucky Organ: Brain

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

You will be abducted by aliens who will offer you tea and biscuits in exchange for your spleen.  Try having truffles for a snack between meals.

Lucky Dog: Cockapoo